Why Are You Attracted To Them?

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:18)

They’ve done it again and you’re wondering why you gave them another chance. Whether it’s a long term marriage or relationship that has betrayal through lying and cheating, or through abuse. Maybe it's the guy where everything seemed perfect but he ghosted you after three dates. You could be left asking the same question… Why do I attract men like this?

Well the first place to look is how you interact and behave in relationships. Everyone has a pattern of behaviour and this is formed from when we were very young. How our parents or first caregivers treated us forms our behaviour patterns. The emotional bonds we formed with them determined the patterns of behaviour we have with other adults, in particular your romantic partner. This can influence the type of men we attract.

Attachment Styles

This pattern of behaviour is called an attachment style. The attachment theory was developed by researcher John Bowlby and expanded by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. It established that there are four attachment styles. The website VeryWell explains these styles at length, so I’ll summarise their explanation. 

If you were a child who was uncomfortable around strangers. You became distressed when your parents left and didn’t feel peace when they returned. Then you may have an ambivalent attachment style. Adults with this attachment style are hesitant to become close to other people. The thought that their partner doesn’t love them is a regular worry for them. When the relationship ends they become very distraught. As a result, they tend to have a lot of breakups. This is because the relationship feels cold and distant.

If you were a child who didn’t seek much contact or comfort from your parents, for whatever reason. Which may have resulted in you avoiding your parents. If you treated your parents exactly the same as how you treated a stranger, i.e. there was no preference for your parents, then you may have an avoidant attachment style. Adults with this attachment style may put little emotion into social and romantic relationships. They may have problems with true intimacy and may be unable to share their thoughts and feelings with others, or they just may not want to. They may also fail to support their partner during stressful times.

If you were a child who took on the parental role at a young age. You also may have acted as the caregiver to a parent as a child, through practical support or being their “emotional friend” and knowing too much about your parent/s adult issues or relationships at a young age. You may have been the child that showed a mix of behaviours towards your parents or caregivers, such as resistance, avoidance, confusion and apprehension. Then you may have an disorganised-insecure attachment style.

The confusion within this attachment style is because of the inconsistent behaviour from the parent/s. One minute they are reassuring the child and then the next they are scaring the child. One minute they are the parent and the next you are acting in the parental role. Another inconsistent behaviour is the parent is present and then leaves the child’s life for an extended period of time, returns and then repeats. 

Adults with this attachment style continue to display their confusing mix of behaviours into their adult relationships. They tend to sabotage their relationships and don’t really trust their romantic partners. They really long for a close connection but then struggle to be vulnerable and open up. This results in them pushing their partner away. 

Now for the GOAT of attachment styles, which ideally we should all be. If as a child you were happy to separate from your parents but also happy when they returned. You went to them for comfort when frightened. You preferred your parents to strangers. Then you may have a secure attachment style. 

As an adult you tend to have good self esteem, trusting romantic relationships because you share your feelings. You also seek social support. 

You may see yourself in one of these attachment styles. You may also see your husband, long term partner, situationship or ex in one of the above styles. Yours and their attachment styles are playing a big part into why you were attracted to each other, whether it’s good or bad! 

Later life experiences can influence your attachment style. So a traumatic event as an adult can influence your attachment style too.

Father Wound

The relationship that you have with your dad can also play a part in the type of men that you are attracted to. Now if you had a dad in the home who you saw provided for you all, cared and took an interest in you, loved on your mom and led the household in a secure, non-toxic way and wasn't the bad boy… all good so far. Then it makes sense that you naturally would look for a partner with these traits.

However if you experienced emotional pain from a negative relationship with your dad, step-dad or father figure, then this can open a “father wound”. The emotional pain can be from emotional absence, physical absence, neglect, abuse or an overly critical dad. The impact of this can be life changing, affecting your self-esteem. As this is your first experience of a man, you may subconsciously believe this is the type of love you deserve from all men, including your romantic partner… spoiler alert, it’s not! 

You don’t deserve a man who you’ve been with for years, had children with but he won’t live with you and HIS kids and won’t marry you. You don’t deserve a man who you only see when he is bored. You don’t deserve a man who you can’t share your feelings with. You don’t deserve a man who you have to tip-toe around because he might criticise you or beat you up. No, my lovely, you deserve much much better.

Finding Secure Attachments And Healing Father Wounds

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalms 147:3)

As I said earlier, later life experiences can influence your attachment style. So, the good news is you can move into secure attachment through later life experiences and actively deciding to change your thought process and behaviour. 

Here is some practical advice to help you on your journey to secure attachment and if you need to, heal that father wound: 

1. Acknowledge the wound/negative behaviours

Recognising and accepting that there is a father wound in your life, or that you have an attachment style that presents negative behaviours is the first step to healing.

2. Explore your past

Thinking about key moments in your past can help you explore why you behave the way you do and why you are attracted to certain types of people. If you have been through traumatic events, you may find it helpful to go through this with a trained therapist. 

3. Re-parent your inner child

Providing yourself with the emotional support and nurturing that you may have lacked in childhood will help you calm your inner child. Your inner child goes into protection mode for the adult you, this may result in reacting in the negative ways you do. 

If your dad wasn’t around, then this may also drive you to fill the void you have from an absent father because your inner child wants a father figure, even if that results in you taking the first guy that shows you interest, even if they are wrong for you. 

4. Practice emotional regulation

Focus on how you react to situations and people and then work on keeping the negative reactions and behaviours in check and balanced. 

5. Establish healthy boundaries 

Maintaining healthy boundaries with people in your life will help you reframe your mind to have healthy boundaries within a romantic relationship. This will help you break the toxic relationship patterns you may get yourself into.

6. Learn to grieve the past

If your father let you down or you have had trauma in your life. Then it’s important to grieve this so you can move on. Not forget the past but move on. You can do this with a trained therapist or writing down your thoughts in a journal.

7. Seek support

Find support from a community of positive minded people, this can be through friends, support groups, therapy and coaching. 

8. Lean into God  

The love and guidance from God can heal us regardless of what you have been through. He can make you change our old patterns, one old pattern could’ve been starting relationships with people who don’t care or love you. 

“The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”... “The Lord has not chosen this one either.”... Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one”. (Samuel 16: 7, 8 & 12)

In the Bible, David was overlooked by his dad, Jesse, when the prophet Samuel asked him to offer a king. Jesse offered his other sons. This could’ve created what we would now call a “father wound” for David.

We see that David went on to have a troubled relationship with Saul, who later became his father-in-law. Saul initially liked David and took him under his wing, however his jealousy of David turned the initial “like” to hatred. David wasn’t perfect but he leaned into God and received emotional healing. God made it clear that despite what David’’s earthly dad thought or what a toxic man like Saul thought about David, God had chosen David to be healed of his past and achieve greatness as King. You can read more about David in 1 Samuel. 

God also wants this for you. God wants you to look for Him and develop a relationship with Him as your Heavenly Father. Regardless of what has happened to you as a child or in later life, God wants you to heal from the hard times and heal you from the voids you try to fill in men who don’t deserve you. 

God, the Father, sent His Son to heal your wounds and help you change your behaviour and seek a relationship that will enrich your life. By asking Jesus to enter your life can be the best decision you can make as His spiritual covering will provide you with the true love, courage and peace that you have never felt before. His presence will help you discover a new sense of self and self worth. This will open your eyes to the type of man you deserve. Ephesians 5: 25-31 describes how this man should act:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.””

The Word of God clearly explains the love you should be experiencing:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

If you aren’t experiencing this then you need to have a meaningful conversation with yourself about the “love” you have or have had in the past. This conversation should be had whether you believe in God or not. If you have no faith or have been a Christian for 30 years there is no harm in asking God to guide you to find the kind of romantic love He wants you to have. 

If you currently have no faith, you have absolutely nothing to lose by inviting Jesus in and asking for guidance with your relationship. Say you are correct and believing in God (The Father, The Son- Jesus and The Holy Spirit) is a waste of time, then the worst that can happen when you invite Jesus in is you stay in the exact situation you are currently in- heartbroken and frustrated with men. However if you are wrong and Jesus does exist, then when you invite Jesus into your life, He transforms it, heals you and helps you find a man worthy of your love, then you have lost nothing and gained everything. 

Whatever stage you are in your life God wants you to let Him in and love Him because he has always loved you and wants to guide you in the right direction. 

By attempting the above practical steps will help you to work on improving your self esteem and self-image. 

One last thing for all of you with father wounds, remember that God is “a father to the fatherless” (Psalms 68:5). Your earthly father may have let you down, your husband, ex-boyfriend or situationship may have let you down but believe me your Heavenly Father- God won’t.